Politicians should be changed like diapers – plus a joke.

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Our politicians today are a privileged group of self-serving individuals that would not hesitate to sell anyone down the river to get what they want.

One of the problems we have today is the fact that the two political parties have polarized themselves so far to the two extremes of ideology (liberal and conservative) that they have become ineffective and basically in need of being replaced by people who believe in the goals of our original government; to serve the people, and not just themselves.

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Why do so many people want to meet in Pubs?

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I remember reading this quote many years ago, and to me it’s a timeless statement of a very true perspective on how we live and enjoy life. Anyway, two guys are in a bar enjoying a Cold beer and one asked the other;

Why do you like to meet your friends in a Pub?

Smiling broadly, the other man turned to his friend and said;

Because no good story ever started over a glass of Water!

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By Don Bobbitt, October 2015,

Copyright, Don Bobbitt, October, 2015, All Rights Reserved.  If yo wish to use this article for your own enjoyment and share it with friends, you are free to do so, but if you wish to use it commercially, then you must have the Authors written permission.

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Classic, Classy and timeless INSULTS.

 

Today, so many people resort to profanities to insult someone that really sharp insults using clean language is becoming a rarity..

Below is a list of very good and classic insults by famous people of our past, that obviously skewered their subject with clean but sharply combined words.\.

They knew how to put someone in their place with the turn of a phrase.

I received this list in an old email from a friend, so I am putting them here for your amusement.

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JOKE – States you can Retire to

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I was cleaning up some old emails and I found this joke from a friend. It seems so TRUE that made me laugh.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

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Leveling the “Funny” playing field with ethnic/religious jokes

 

Hey, I was just thinking:.

There is far too much censorship in our world these days, and someone sent this to me in an email.

At first, I laughed and then I almost deleted it as being “too insensitive”.

But then I realized I was thinking this way, not out of concern for the people around the world who call themselves “Muslim’s”, but out some distorted “fear” of my perceptions of them, and (of course) I was swayed to some degree by what those (mysterious) radical terrorist factions might do, either to me or to others.

Well, that’s a problem in our society these days, this distortion of public opinion driven mostly by our press.

So, I am sharing this email with you, out of a sense that everyone in America really is equal. And that equality includes their having to be joked about, just like the rest of us in this country.

We Americans are a fantastic amalgam of races, religions and ethnicities. And. we all have something that someone can make fun of. In my America, People who call themselves “Muslims” deserve no more special treatments than anyone else in my America, so here goes.

Oh, and if you do have some perverted sense that you are so special that you should not be exposed to our American sense of equality, including our humor, then do not read the rest of this posting.

But, you might want to think about why you are here, sharing our great society, in the first place.

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Whoops! Good Joke.

 

A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:

I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.

I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.

I can’t live with the guilt any longer.

I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.

It won’t happen again.

The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! 

That should be “wifi”… Sorry!

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by Don Bobbitt, 2015

JOKE – I thought I would pass this one on for your entertainment.

 

Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

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Letterman’s TOP-10 Reasons he votes Democrat

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#10.  I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.

#9.  I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.

#8.  I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

#7.  I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

#6.  I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.  I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

#5.  I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

#4.  I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves .  They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

#2.  I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

… And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us , but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America.  We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

Sunday Morning Politics - Who is looking Out for ME?

JOKE – Classes for Women taught by Men. Hilarious!

OK, These are funny! I don’t care who you are! (Or which Sex!)

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 29, 2015

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2 
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–
 Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
….
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

Old Joke – WINE vs. Water

I was Just Thinkin'

I was Just Thinkin’

A glass of wine 
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.


And to those who don’t but are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of $hit
..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service

25 Home Taught Lessons for Children – Old Jokes

Starlett, Don and Darrell Bobbitt

Starlett, Don and Darrell Bobbitt in our Dads first car.

Many kids of my generation were HOME SCHOOLED, but not in the way you might think.

Our parents grew up learning how to live during some hard times, and while raising their kids, they passed on a lot of great Lessons that we all took to heart.

I saw this list somewhere, years ago and saved it to read and enjoy later. Although I don’t know the original source, it does bring up some great memories of my childhood. Below are some of the wonderful and often hard-learned lessons that my siblings, my friends and I were taught as we grew up:

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!” Continue reading

OLD JOKE- Joe, Cooter and Goober

Funny Guys

Funny Guys

 JOE, COOTER AND GOOBER…

Joe died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Guber. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Joe.
The mortician thought this was rather strange,  So he brought Goober in to confirm the identity of the body.
Goober looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Goober said, ‘No, it ain’t Joe.
‘The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Goober said, ‘Well, Joe had two ass-holes.
”What!  He had two ass-holes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:
There’s Joe with them two ass-holes.

 

Joke – Males and Females

Funny Guys

Funny Guys

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.  My work is done here.

Funeral Joke

Quote

Funny Guys

Funny Guys

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,

When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives..”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!‘”