Category Archives: OLD JOKES

These are Posts that include JOKES and funny stories shared with me over the years by other people.

Not That Scared!

Posted on by
Reply

 

I read this Somewhere, Long Ago and I thought it was funny at th time. Looking at it now, maybe it isn’t that funny when you think about it!

One Day an old Man came into A sleazy bar and sat down, by chance near the pool tables. There were four young men who looked like they are in their twenties, and they were shooting pool and making a lot of noise. They were wearing the customary leather motorcycle club jackets and they were obviously very drunk.

The bartender came over to the old man and told him; Sir, these boys are trouble-makers and I recommend that you move down to the other end of the bar.The old man looked over at the drunker men, and then he turned back to the bartender and said; Thank You young man, but I’m comfortable right here. The bartender just shook his head and walked away, leaving the old man to whatever Fate had in store for him.

But, as luck would have it, one of the drunken men saw the bartender talking to the old man and after whispering to his buddies, they all dropped their pool cues on the table and then they walked over and surrounded the old man.

The shortest one said; So old man, you and the bartender got a problem with us shooting pool and enjoying a few beers? 

With this, he reached over and flipped the hat on the old man’s head, off and across the bar. The old man slowly turned to look into the eyes of the young punk and as he did so, the punk opened his jacket showing off a very large Bowie style knife holstered on his waist.

A this point the punk sneered at the old man and told him; In fact, I think I’ll just cut your old ass up a little, just for entertainment. The old man kept his eyes locked on those of the young punk as he reached down and gripped the handle of the knife.

At the same time, the old man reached into is jacket and pulled out a sweet little nine millimeter pistol and laid it onto the bar next to his beer. Then he smiled at the surprised punk. The punk started to pull his knie when one of his buddies reached over and stopped him. Then this second biker turned to the old man and asked him;

Are you crazy? My buddy here is ready to cut you up. And I can guarantee you one thing, If I let go of his arm, he’ll mess you up real bad. The old man glanced into the mirror behind the bar and saw that all four of the bikers were smiling to each other, but he just reached for his beer and took a long draft of it.

He saw that the bartender was holding a baseball bat and trying to sneak down the bar to where they were all standing. The silence grew longer and the older biker asked the old man;

Aren’t you scared that we will kill you where you sit?

The old man looked at the four punks as they waited for him to cower in fear and beg for his life. INstead he slowly laid his hand on the grip of his pistol and told the three punks; Well boys, I am 79 years old, and a life sentence for killing you four is not nearly as scary to me as it should be for any of you that survive what is about to happen.

When he finished talking, the smiles fell from the four punks lips and all of their eyes went to the pistol lying next to the half finished beer. Two of them took a couple of steps back and away from the old man. The one with the knife had a look on his face that said he was just a blowhard, and the third man?

Well, he slowly let go of the other punks arm, and talking loudly, to no one in particular, he said with a nervous tick in his voice; OK Boys, were late, so let’s give this gentleman some roon to enjoy his beer.

As they walked towards the door, one of the punks yelled back to the old man; Army?

The old man never took his eyes off of the mirror and responded; No, Marines!

The four punks picked up their pace and were quickly gone from the bar. The old man put his pistol away inside his jacket, and took a long sip of his beer, while the bartender walked over and drew another draft for the old man.

He set the beer down in form of him and asked the old man; Dude, How did you know they would back off like that?

The old man smiled at the bartender and said; Punks like those usually run in packs and generally speaking if you show them your teeth they will back off. The bartender laughed and said; Yeah, but what if they still come at you?

The old man started on his second beer and laughed out loud saying; I wasn’t lying; I’m 79 years old, I have lung cancer, and I’m really not worried about any kind of prison sentence the justice system may give me.

The Moral Here?

FEAR RIDES ON TOP OF HOPE!

So, NEVER MESS WITH A MAN WITHOUT HOPE!

 

Advertisement

Politicians should be changed like diapers – plus a joke.

Posted on by
Reply

Frog_01-1

Our politicians today are a privileged group of self-serving individuals that would not hesitate to sell anyone down the river to get what they want.

One of the problems we have today is the fact that the two political parties have polarized themselves so far to the two extremes of ideology (liberal and conservative) that they have become ineffective and basically in need of being replaced by people who believe in the goals of our original government; to serve the people, and not just themselves.

Continue reading →

Why do so many people want to meet in Pubs?

Posted on by
Reply

Frog_01-1

I remember reading this quote many years ago, and to me it’s a timeless statement of a very true perspective on how we live and enjoy life. Anyway, two guys are in a bar enjoying a Cold beer and one asked the other;

Why do you like to meet your friends in a Pub?

Smiling broadly, the other man turned to his friend and said;

Because no good story ever started over a glass of Water!

Bamboo_01

By Don Bobbitt, October 2015,

Copyright, Don Bobbitt, October, 2015, All Rights Reserved.  If yo wish to use this article for your own enjoyment and share it with friends, you are free to do so, but if you wish to use it commercially, then you must have the Authors written permission.

Bamboo_01

Classic, Classy and timeless INSULTS.

Posted on by
Reply

 

Today, so many people resort to profanities to insult someone that really sharp insults using clean language is becoming a rarity..

Below is a list of very good and classic insults by famous people of our past, that obviously skewered their subject with clean but sharply combined words.\.

They knew how to put someone in their place with the turn of a phrase.

I received this list in an old email from a friend, so I am putting them here for your amusement.

Continue reading →

JOKE – States you can Retire to

Posted on by
Reply

cropped-cropped-pelicans_on_pilings_01_edited-21.jpg

I was cleaning up some old emails and I found this joke from a friend. It seems so TRUE that made me laugh.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

Continue reading →

Leveling the “Funny” playing field with ethnic/religious jokes

Posted on by
Reply

 

Hey, I was just thinking:.

There is far too much censorship in our world these days, and someone sent this to me in an email.

At first, I laughed and then I almost deleted it as being “too insensitive”.

But then I realized I was thinking this way, not out of concern for the people around the world who call themselves “Muslim’s”, but out some distorted “fear” of my perceptions of them, and (of course) I was swayed to some degree by what those (mysterious) radical terrorist factions might do, either to me or to others.

Well, that’s a problem in our society these days, this distortion of public opinion driven mostly by our press.

So, I am sharing this email with you, out of a sense that everyone in America really is equal. And that equality includes their having to be joked about, just like the rest of us in this country.

We Americans are a fantastic amalgam of races, religions and ethnicities. And. we all have something that someone can make fun of. In my America, People who call themselves “Muslims” deserve no more special treatments than anyone else in my America, so here goes.

Oh, and if you do have some perverted sense that you are so special that you should not be exposed to our American sense of equality, including our humor, then do not read the rest of this posting.

But, you might want to think about why you are here, sharing our great society, in the first place.

Bamboo_01

Continue reading →

Whoops! Good Joke.

Posted on by
Reply

 

A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:

I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.

I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.

I can’t live with the guilt any longer.

I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.

It won’t happen again.

The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! 

That should be “wifi”… Sorry!

Bamboo_01

 

by Don Bobbitt, 2015

JOKE – I thought I would pass this one on for your entertainment.

Posted on by
Reply

 

Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Continue reading →

Letterman’s TOP-10 Reasons he votes Democrat

Posted on by
Reply

Dem_01

#10.  I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.

#9.  I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.

#8.  I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

#7.  I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

#6.  I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.  I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

#5.  I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

#4.  I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves .  They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

#2.  I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

… And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us , but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America.  We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

Sunday Morning Politics - Who is looking Out for ME?

JOKE – Classes for Women taught by Men. Hilarious!

Posted on by
Reply

OK, These are funny! I don’t care who you are! (Or which Sex!)

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 29, 2015

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2 
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase– Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ….
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determinedClass 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

Old Joke – WINE vs. Water

Posted on by
Reply

I was Just Thinkin'

I was Just Thinkin’

A glass of wine 
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.


And to those who don’t but are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of $hit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service

25 Home Taught Lessons for Children – Old Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

Starlett, Don and Darrell Bobbitt

Starlett, Don and Darrell Bobbitt in our Dads first car.

Many kids of my generation were HOME SCHOOLED, but not in the way you might think.

Our parents grew up learning how to live during some hard times, and while raising their kids, they passed on a lot of great Lessons that we all took to heart.

I saw this list somewhere, years ago and saved it to read and enjoy later. Although I don’t know the original source, it does bring up some great memories of my childhood. Below are some of the wonderful and often hard-learned lessons that my siblings, my friends and I were taught as we grew up:

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!” Continue reading →

OLD JOKE- Joe, Cooter and Goober

Posted on by
Reply

Funny Guys

Funny Guys

 JOE, COOTER AND GOOBER…

Joe died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Guber. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Joe.
The mortician thought this was rather strange,  So he brought Goober in to confirm the identity of the body.
Goober looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Goober said, ‘No, it ain’t Joe.
‘The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Goober said, ‘Well, Joe had two ass-holes.
”What!  He had two ass-holes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:
There’s Joe with them two ass-holes.

 

Joke – Males and Females

Posted on by
1

Funny Guys

Funny Guys

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.  My work is done here.