Tag Archives: comedy

Damn Cold! Kindness and patience are not virtues of a sick man.

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Why am I Sad?

Why am I Mad?

Why do I want to just………..

WELL,

i’ve had this Cold for 3 damn days!

with a nose so Red I could lead Santa’s Sleigh!

My lungs are so congested

just breathing sounds

like gravel

rattling in an old tin can.

And my joints don’t just ache,

they throb ….. with each breath I take.

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Whoops! Good Joke.

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A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:

I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.

I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.

I can’t live with the guilt any longer.

I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.

It won’t happen again.

The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! 

That should be “wifi”… Sorry!

Bamboo_01

 

by Don Bobbitt, 2015

JOKE – Classes for Women taught by Men. Hilarious!

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OK, These are funny! I don’t care who you are! (Or which Sex!)

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 29, 2015

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2 
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase– Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ….
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determinedClass 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

OLD JOKE- Joe, Cooter and Goober

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Funny Guys

Funny Guys

 JOE, COOTER AND GOOBER…

Joe died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Guber. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Joe.
The mortician thought this was rather strange,  So he brought Goober in to confirm the identity of the body.
Goober looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Goober said, ‘No, it ain’t Joe.
‘The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Goober said, ‘Well, Joe had two ass-holes.
”What!  He had two ass-holes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:
There’s Joe with them two ass-holes.

 

Funny Joke – HELL EXPLAINED

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Seagull by Don Bobbitt

Sometimes, I get a great Joke that is sure to be a Classic, eventually.
And this one is going to end up in the annals of Comic History.  Check it Out!

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
  

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
  
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 One student, however, wrote the following:  
 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at thedifferent religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 
This gives two possibilities:  

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?  
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be acold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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