Classic, Classy and timeless INSULTS.

 

Today, so many people resort to profanities to insult someone that really sharp insults using clean language is becoming a rarity..

Below is a list of very good and classic insults by famous people of our past, that obviously skewered their subject with clean but sharply combined words.\.

They knew how to put someone in their place with the turn of a phrase.

I received this list in an old email from a friend, so I am putting them here for your amusement.

Continue reading “Classic, Classy and timeless INSULTS.”

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JOKE – States you can Retire to

cropped-cropped-pelicans_on_pilings_01_edited-21.jpg

I was cleaning up some old emails and I found this joke from a friend. It seems so TRUE that made me laugh.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

Continue reading “JOKE – States you can Retire to”

Damn Cold! Kindness and patience are not virtues of a sick man.

Why am I Sad?

Why am I Mad?

Why do I want to just………..

WELL,

i’ve had this Cold for 3 damn days!

with a nose so Red I could lead Santa’s Sleigh!

My lungs are so congested

just breathing sounds

like gravel

rattling in an old tin can.

And my joints don’t just ache,

they throb ….. with each breath I take.

Continue reading “Damn Cold! Kindness and patience are not virtues of a sick man.”

Leveling the “Funny” playing field with ethnic/religious jokes

 

Hey, I was just thinking:.

There is far too much censorship in our world these days, and someone sent this to me in an email.

At first, I laughed and then I almost deleted it as being “too insensitive”.

But then I realized I was thinking this way, not out of concern for the people around the world who call themselves “Muslim’s”, but out some distorted “fear” of my perceptions of them, and (of course) I was swayed to some degree by what those (mysterious) radical terrorist factions might do, either to me or to others.

Well, that’s a problem in our society these days, this distortion of public opinion driven mostly by our press.

So, I am sharing this email with you, out of a sense that everyone in America really is equal. And that equality includes their having to be joked about, just like the rest of us in this country.

We Americans are a fantastic amalgam of races, religions and ethnicities. And. we all have something that someone can make fun of. In my America, People who call themselves “Muslims” deserve no more special treatments than anyone else in my America, so here goes.

Oh, and if you do have some perverted sense that you are so special that you should not be exposed to our American sense of equality, including our humor, then do not read the rest of this posting.

But, you might want to think about why you are here, sharing our great society, in the first place.

Bamboo_01

Continue reading “Leveling the “Funny” playing field with ethnic/religious jokes”

Whoops! Good Joke.

 

A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:

I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.

I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.

I can’t live with the guilt any longer.

I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.

It won’t happen again.

The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! 

That should be “wifi”… Sorry!

Bamboo_01

 

by Don Bobbitt, 2015

JOKE – I thought I would pass this one on for your entertainment.

 

Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Continue reading “JOKE – I thought I would pass this one on for your entertainment.”

Letterman’s TOP-10 Reasons he votes Democrat

Dem_01

#10.  I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.

#9.  I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.

#8.  I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

#7.  I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

#6.  I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.  I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

#5.  I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

#4.  I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves .  They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

#2.  I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

… And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us , but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America.  We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

Sunday Morning Politics - Who is looking Out for ME?

JOKE – Classes for Women taught by Men. Hilarious!

OK, These are funny! I don’t care who you are! (Or which Sex!)

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 29, 2015

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

 

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2 
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–
 Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
….
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

I was Just Thinkin! Cow JOKE.

IWas Just Thinkin' - IRS Agents, FBI Agents

COWS 
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow?

 

Old Joke – WINE vs. Water

I was Just Thinkin'
I was Just Thinkin’

A glass of wine 
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.


And to those who don’t but are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of $hit
..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service

OLD JOKE- Joe, Cooter and Goober

Funny Guys
Funny Guys

 JOE, COOTER AND GOOBER…

Joe died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Guber. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Joe.
The mortician thought this was rather strange,  So he brought Goober in to confirm the identity of the body.
Goober looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Goober said, ‘No, it ain’t Joe.
‘The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Goober said, ‘Well, Joe had two ass-holes.
”What!  He had two ass-holes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:
There’s Joe with them two ass-holes.

 

Funeral Joke

Funny Guys
Funny Guys

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,

When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives..”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!‘” 

Kids, Puberty and the Parents IQ, an interesting relationship

Funny Guys
Funny Guys

I just have to write this.

Our Kids were visiting us recently, and after we had finished our big cookout and were all just sitting around digesting our feast, I was listening to one of my daughters as she started complaining about how strange their daughter, (Yeah, my granddaughter) was becoming recently.

I was surprised for a moment until I did the math in my head and realized that my granddaughter was now thirteen. I immediately flashed back in time to when my daughter herself, was young and the same age as my granddaughter was now.

I broke out laughing.  I just couldn’t stop myself.

My daughter looked over at me as if I was having a heart attack or something, and this drove me into another spate of laughter, now with tears running down my cheeks.

I stood up, still laughing, and looked at myself in a mirror on the far wall and I guess I did look a little scary. My mouth was open and emitting a series of guffaws, while my tear covered face had become bright red.

Realizing how I looked, I slowly gained control of myself but still smiling, I sat back down and told my daughter;

Honey, you really don’t remember when you were thirteen years old, do you?

Don’t you remember turning your bedroom into your personal fortress and refusing to talk to your mother and I except with grunts and looks of derision?

Don’t you remember the three intense years where your favorite comments to us were; That’s just STUPID!, or I am SO Embarrassed!, or You can’t MAKE Me!, or the big ones, Leave Me Alone!, and You do not Understand!

I always loved the last one because you always rolled your eyes at us with a face contorted into one of derision just before you would stomp off to your room.

She looked at me surprised, and a little mad, but just for a moment. Then she sat back with a surprised smile on her face and said;

Yeah Dad, I remember now. Are you telling me that I have to go through the same thing with my kids? 

Laughing again, I took a moment and told her my theory about how a Parents IQ changes with time. I said;

You see dear, one thing that they don’t tell parents-to-be is the fact that, when our children are born, we parents have a normal IQ and are able to function perfectly well in society. We are able to work on complicated jobs, make money, invest our savings intelligently, and yes, some of can even invent things.

Then I told her that all of this goes through some serious changes as our children grow up.

Parents IQ – stage-1:

While our children are young, they look to us as being brilliant and almost God-like to them as we share our knowledge and teach them so many things about life.

We teach them about the affects of touching HOT and COLD items for example. We teach them how to hold a fork and how to tie their shoes, and many other basic but wondrous things to a child.

At this time, our IQ, as perceived by our children, is at the highest it will be. That is, until our kids age further and get into their twenties.

Parents IQ – stage-2:

Once our children reach that dreaded period of development called puberty, their body chemistry changes (or something does!)   and we, the parents, suddenly become very; unknowing, socially inept, unable to hold a conversation, and just plain Stupid, in our kids eyes.

Oh, we may have multiple degrees from famous universities, we may be expert craftsmen and women who’s works are renowned around the world, we may even be authors of books on Parent/Children communications. It really doesn’t matter.

Our perceived IQ drops like a rock for them. If we offer to help our kids with their homework, or try to give them advice on social issues at school, or, God forbid, tell them we don’t like one of their weird friends, we get the look that I call the “stare of death”.

Somehow, only the arrogance of post pubescence can form that look we get from our Kids when we have crossed that personal line of theirs. Thinking back, I can only describe it as a combination of; derision, disgust and impatience mixed with a small dose of pity.

Several times, after attempting to explain something to my kids and getting this razor-sharp stare from one of them, I have actually walked over to a mirror to see if I had somehow degenerated into a Neanderthal, with the overhanging brow, long hair and all.

Luckily, what I saw in the mirror was never changed except perhaps by a few more white hairs and a look of stress.

Parents IQ – stage-3

As they get older and are moving through their teen years, our IQ raises slightly. Actually, the kids, like wolf cubs that think they are ready to go on their first Kill, are the ones who become sharper.

First, they realize that they actually depend on us for THINGS, so we are necessary to them.

You see they realize that they do need us for something. They want us to; give them money, buy them clothes, allow them to go to shows and events with friends, and, of course, eventually, the big one, drive the car.

Because of this realization, our kids begin to patronize us. You see, we are still STUPIDF to them.

They will begin with the SMILE. You remember, that ear-to-ear smile that barely covers their distaste at having to stoop to an actual conversation; with a Parent, of all people.

But, regardless of their pain, they will sit down with us and attempt to have what they consider a conversation.

Of course, when this happens we’re stunned. Here we are, after having been essentially shunned for months, even years, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, we are being smiled at and talked to by our strange progeny.

We are so happy at this change of events that we fall immediately into their trap and attempt to keep this new conversation thing going. But inevitable, our enthusiasm is too much and we cross some invisible line and you suddenly notice that old, disgusted look flashed at you.

You know, the You are SO Stupid! look.

So, confused and desperate, you finally fall further into their trap and give them whatever they want, just to keep them talking with you.  

Eventually, they walk away happy, with your car keys, money, whatever it was they wanted, while you? You are left sitting there wondering what you have just done.

They soon learn that they are pretty good manipulators of their parents and continue this practice whenever they can get away with it.

Parents – IQ stage-4

The climb back to Normality.

But parents do not need to despair for long, just a decade or so.

Eventually, as our kids get older, we, the parents, begin to get smarter. It’s true. They find that all those things about us that they derided and even ignored were based on skills and knowledge that they now needed to learn themselves in order to subsist in the real world.

The types of people we told them to stay away from really were dangerous or users or just wasted souls.

Their jobs and future promotions depended on their having a solid education covering a wide range of subjects.

Their futures depended on their developing experiences that we, their parents had developed in order to get ahead and enjoy a good life.

Suddenly, we, the Stupid and Unknowing parents were a useful source of information for them to grow into what they wanted to be.

And, thankfully, we parents regain our original IQ and are now looked upon as equals. 

Whew, what a trip.

Orange Wave

 

by Don Bobbitt, 2013

Copyright, Don Bobbitt, 2013, All Rights Reserved

Old JOKE – Irish Court Case


Irish Court case

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

The Defendants friend, Paddy sitting at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge looks up and frowns at the courtroom and continues with,

“You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

Again Paddy yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says,
“I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years
I’ve lived next door to that arsehole,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.

———————————————

JOKE – A True Golfer

TRUE GOLFER  

He left home around 8:30am to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife’s “What time will you be home?”

“Probably around 1:30 – I’ll have lunch at the club.”

1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

“We finished our game about 12:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car.

I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.
She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.

She said there’s a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.
I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.

Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex.

And that is why I am so late getting home.”

His wife looked him right in the eye and said,
Don’t bullshit me — you played 36 holes, didn’t you?
Bamboo_01

Don Bobbitt