Whoops! Good Joke.

 

A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:

I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.

I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.

I can’t live with the guilt any longer.

I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.

It won’t happen again.

The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check! 

That should be “wifi”… Sorry!

Bamboo_01

 

by Don Bobbitt, 2015

The Old Man and His DOG. An Old Joke

Old_Man_and_Dog

Someone sent this old story to me a number of years ago. I copied it to a document and hav lost the source.

It is a really great story, so I am sharing it again.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

 He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble… At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.. ‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. ‘The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.

‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.’

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’ 

‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’

‘How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog..

‘There should be a bowl by the pump.’

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

‘What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.

‘This is Heaven,’ he answered. 

‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said. ‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’

‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’

‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’

‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’

c432f-orangewave

Old Joke – WINE vs. Water

I was Just Thinkin'
I was Just Thinkin’

A glass of wine 
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.


And to those who don’t but are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said: 
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of $hit
..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service

OLD JOKE- Joe, Cooter and Goober

Funny Guys
Funny Guys

 JOE, COOTER AND GOOBER…

Joe died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Guber. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Joe.
The mortician thought this was rather strange,  So he brought Goober in to confirm the identity of the body.
Goober looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Goober said, ‘No, it ain’t Joe.
‘The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Goober said, ‘Well, Joe had two ass-holes.
”What!  He had two ass-holes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say:
There’s Joe with them two ass-holes.

 

Old JOKE – Irish Court Case


Irish Court case

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

The Defendants friend, Paddy sitting at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge looks up and frowns at the courtroom and continues with,

“You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

Again Paddy yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says,
“I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years
I’ve lived next door to that arsehole,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.

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OLD JOKE – Tom’s Scrotum

Tom’s scrotum… The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible wreck on his Harley, and his scrotum was completely crushed. 
 
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” 
 
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
Don Bobbitt

Funny Joke – HELL EXPLAINED

Seagull by Don Bobbitt

Sometimes, I get a great Joke that is sure to be a Classic, eventually.
And this one is going to end up in the annals of Comic History.  Check it Out!

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
  

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
  
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 One student, however, wrote the following:  
 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at thedifferent religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 
This gives two possibilities:  

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
 
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?  
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be acold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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